It was going to be the first week of summer, an easy breezy time where my soon-to-be-in-kindergarten daughter and I would hang out while my almost-4th grade son busied himself at the local park and rec summer camp.
We’d drop him off at camp, go have a leisurely breakfast, have some girlie time together at the lake, set up some girl’s only playdates. Do our nails, play dolls. Girl stuff.
Alas. Along came a change of plan. This morning when we dropped her brother off she decided that she, too, wanted in on the summer camp scene.
Huh? But what about our girlie time?
I know. You are probably like: What are you mad? She wants to go! Alone time for you! Wahoo!
And half of me is jumping up and down that I have some time without my five-year-old appendage sweating on me during this summery heat. But the other half just got hit with a big fat reality check right in the head.
This will be my life when she goes to kindergarten in just a few short weeks.
Both kids will be gone and I will be flying solo. After almost 10 years with someone here to occupy my day, come 9 1/2 weeks or so, I’ll be alone. All day.
So, after my morning that consisted of the following: drop campers off, got back to the office to pay the extra $50 bucks in a late fee (I know, I know), come home, throw my daughter’s lunch together, bring it to the camp, walk the dog at the park with my husband, brew more coffee, check email again, throw some laundry in, try to get some ideas for the job I am getting paid to do, have a conversation with my sister that I dragged out longer so I would to have something to occupy myself.
After all this, I realized something sad.
Without my kids around I am a lonely soul with nothing to do.
Now my husband might argue that there is plenty to do around the house. He might reiterate that dust bunnies in the corner are not considered knick knacks. That finger prints on the bathroom mirror do not match the tile. That the vacuum that sits in the closet could use a friend, too.
He’ll probably say that I should be able to occupy my time for a few hours without the kids, and aren’t those the same kids at whom I was just yesterday screaming at to go and leave me be for five minutes?
Yes, that would be a good argument.
But it is quiet around here.
I realize that this quiet is short-lived as their week of camp will be over on Friday. And then I will be back where I was last week — incredulous that they can not find a single thing to do once I shut off the tv. That I have to say more than 10 times “For God’s sake it’s summer and go play!” And it was only the first day of summer vacation.
I know, you are probably thinking I can’t make up my mind. Go! No stay! No go! Wait.. come back!
*warning — I am about to go off on a crazy tangent and not make much sense. But since it’s my blog, I can do that, right?
I think as their mom, I push them just far enough away so that they can make their own decisions and live their lives. But I want them where I can still reach them. Where I can still reach out and grab them in for a hug. Even my nine-year old who is as tall as me and going off to college in nine short years. I still want him close — able to make his own decisions and be his own person, but still close. So I can see what a wonderful young man he is becoming.
And my almost kindergartener, I want this once shy girl to go be that outgoing girl she has become. To enjoy summer camp, even though none of her friends are even there, because she said she wanted to go. Because it was her decision she made by herself. But I want her to come home and say she missed me dreadfully and that she never wants to leave me again.
Except for tomorrow, because camp is really fun, mom. Ok?
Yeah, that is ok.
Just a new chapter in my life, I guess. Using baby steps to get there is all. Sigh.