Do you want to know how I know I am getting old?
It’s not that I just had a birthday that is half of 90. (Although that hurts.)
It’s not even that my daughter wanted to know why I had so many lines on my forehead.
Nor is it the fact that I still have a landline in a world of cell phones.
It’s not even the fact that little grey hairs pop out 20 minutes after I have left a $175 salon coloring appointment.
Yeah. Depends. You know, the little (or actually big bulky) pads that save our undies from those surprising involuntary spurts that often accompany a sneeze or a laugh?
Yes, those Depends.
Wow. I wasn’t prepared. Maybe I wasn’t even paying attention. But it threw me.
It was just one night at home watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie. What? It’s good tv. Kids love it. Good messages. Oh, whatevs. I am old.
But seriously, just your average Tuesday night in the burbs and then. Boom! Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin on national tv taking one for team Depends.
I have to say, I did a double take. Is that really her? Depends? Really? Lisa Rinna?
I remember Lisa Rinna from my years of watching the soaps — she was on Days of Our Lives for a while before Melrose Place, a talk show and everything else. She might even have done a show with hubby Harry, come to think of it. I don’t think she is even that old. Or maybe it’s all the lip work she’s had done. I understand. They get thinner with age. No biggie. Last thing I want to do is have a needle stuck into my lip, but that’s me.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I did just see Kirstie Alley hocking for Poise. “Period pads are for your period. Period.” Catchy.
But Kirstie Alley must be older than Lisa Rinna. I was young when she took over for Shelly Long on Cheers. Or was I? It’s been so long I can’t even remember. But I do know I loved Parker Stevenson when I was 10. And she married him, so that must make her way older than me.
Oh this business of getting old is tiring.
Do I really think Lisa Rinna has those unfortunate moments of, um, how do I say this, leakage? Well, probably. She does have a couple of kids anyway and if she birthed them naturally, well, it happens.
The combination of childbirth and getting older, well it takes its toll. Walking and sneezing are hard for me. It’s one or the other. Not both. And I have a group of friends who can make you laugh your head off until… well, you get it. I wonder if any of them take precautionary measures before we get together.
I should ask.
It’s one thing to see a, ahem, more mature person talking about personal accidents. Like say if Betty White or Diane Keaton were out there speaking on the benefits of incontinence pads.
But throw in Lisa Rinna, a sexy younger-ish thing that she is, trying on a Depends under her sexy black gown on the red carpet and, ladies and gentelmen, you have just made incontinence en vogue.
The advertising company ought to be proud.
And Lisa, God Bless You. There are now some happy people out there who can talk about peeing in their pants with a little more dignity.
But that still doesn’t make me feel any younger.