Some Restrictions May Apply

I was on hold with AT&T today for an eternity. No seriously, it was nearly 45 minutes by the time I realized I’d stretched the phone cord beyond its limits in my quest not to be tethered to the wall phone. My cordless was dying a slow death, so I sat, walked around some, tidied up a bit, sat some more all the while listening to the annoying ads that AT&T thrusts upon prospective customers.

I don’t know how many times I heard the recorded girl tell me that I could have this great option with my new wireless, although Some Restrictions May Apply. Disclaimers. The fine print.

It got me thinking. Life, especially parenting should come with a set of disclaimer cards that we could pick and choose from depending on our situation.  Here is what I came up with.

  1. Subject to Change Without Notice — I think this one might be the mother of all disclaimers. When teen daughter is pissed at you because last night you said she could go to the mall with her friends but today you don’t like her attitude — this would come in very handy. Or you just can’t stand listening to the grating, horrid sound of Sponge Bob’s voice one more minute, just pass the kids this card, turn off the tube and bliss. And for hubby, pass this card to him about every 28 days or so and he can run for cover. Enough said.
  2. Not Responsible for Lost or Damaged Property — This little disclaimer could have come in handy for me the time, while at a playdate, my son and his friends got into some paint and decided to see what would happen if they actually put it into a water blaster and shot aforementioned water blaster at my friend’s house. Yeah. Are you cringing? *We are still friends, but she hides any home improvement items before we come.
  3. Closed Weekends and Holidays — I just want to hang this one up in my kitchen sometimes, go grab a book and lie down. Ok, sometimes more than just weekends and holidays, but it’s a start. You know?
  4. Results May Vary — If you have more than one kid, well this one is a must.
  5. Limited Time Offer — This one would be the one you’d pass to your kids when you are feeling generous at Target and want them to experience your joy, however brief it might be, before you reneg on your promise to actually give them the candy or buy the new toy because they didn’t stop fighting in the store when you screamed at them to.
  6. Colors May Fade — Actually should have given this one to my hubby on my wedding day letting him know that my youthful rosiness would certainly be gone after birthing a couple of kids. Also would have come in handy that first time I cleaned up child vomit, an exploded diaper, and doggie diarrhea. You get the picture. I am not good with this kind of thing.
  7. Objects in the Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear —  “Mommy what is that?” My kids have asked and pointed to the little piece of hair that sprouted on my chin over night. That whisker IS closer than it appears and once you pluck it, more just show up in its place. Ignorance is bliss. Some days I just ignore the mirror altogether. I know, sounds like I am giving up, but there are only so many whiskers I can get in one day.
  8. If Rash Continues, Discontinue Use – Now this is any easy one. Instead of screaming for junior to STOP WRITING ON YOURSELF WITH PERMANENT MARKER! for the umpteenth time, you could just pass him this little disclaimer and voila, his fault not yours.
  9. Not Valid With Other Offers or Specials — This would be a good one to give to that kid who is always trying to get that extra something. Can I have one more? Just five more minutes of TV? In a minute! With this little card, they’d know it’s now or never buddy. *See Dad for details.

There you go. I am sure there are many more that would apply. Have a little fun with disclaimers. Just read and listen. THEY are everywhere.

*Please note, the above is the viewpoint of this blogger alone. Any similarity to a living person is purely coincidental. Names were changed to protect the innocent. This is not for everyone. Some assembly is required. Restrictions apply. If symptoms persists, please see a medical professional.

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2 thoughts on “Some Restrictions May Apply

  1. Okay Maria I think you should be a stand up comic!!

    As for “Closed Weekends…”

    …it was my first week of motherhood as I anxiously awaiting the upcoming weekend with hope and contentment only to figure out Saturday morning at 5:30 a.m. that there are no more “weekends” — what a rude awakening — literally!!!

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